infertility bites

it's a delicate balance between divulging too much and explaining too little. in my personal interactions, i tend to fall hard on the side of divulging too much. i'm an open book, as they say. i generally lack what some might call a "filter". but when it comes to my blog, i tend to keep things pretty private. sure, i'll tell you all about my escapades back in the day... kissing a boy(s), cheating on a test(s), stealing a fruit roll-up (that only happened once). but it's pretty rare that i share a really solid insight into what's going on with me. mostly because i don't know who is currently reading or may some day read my blog and despite my general lack of filtering, i like to control who i open the flood gates with. ANYway... screw it. here's what's up...

so, we've been trying to get pregnant. for a little over three years now. for most of those three years, we've taken people's advice about just letting things happen. but after three years of things not happening, no matter how much "letting" we did, we started seeking answers. i'm not going to go into the specifics of those answers (hey! look at me filtering! i'm so proud of myself), but i will tell you that after way too many way too invasive tests on both of us, we know the problem. and it's not that we're too stressed. it's not that i'm not ovulating. and no amount of elevating my hips is going to resolve it. (oh... there i go not filtering again...)

as it stands, there's still a chance (not a great chance... but a chance) that with some medical intervention the issue could be fixed. but that will take more time. and more waiting to know if it worked. possibly another year. and while some might say "just adopt"... we're not there yet. so don't say it.

and so this is where all the reasons i haven't been blogging come. mostly, i really just don't know what to say. i have so many moments where i feel so sorry for myself and it's hard and all i want to do is cry or curl up on the couch with a good movie and a hot chocolate and think about something else. but then i have moments where my faith is strengthened, and i know it will all be ok. that it's all happening for a reason... i truly believe that. that there are things i'm learning right this very second that i wouldn't learn any other way. and years from now, when i have screaming children and diapers to change and neverending laundry to do... i'll look back to this time in my life, and i hope that i won't feel like i wasted it waiting for the future to come. i wish i could say that i'm not doing that right now. but it's a battle. really. a battle between doubt and faith. discouragement and motivation. tears and smiles.

so, that's that. we wait. we try to make our life fulfilling while we anticipate what we hope will come. however it comes. whenever it comes. and we pray. as i know you are. and we love you for it. thanks.

i should have been a bear

do you ever have times in your life when you just want to crawl in a hole and hibernate for awhile until things work out the way you want them to? i do. and it's not just cause i love sleeping. though... i do love sleeping.

survivorman vs. bear

i've said it before, and i'll say it again... anyone who thinks that survivorman is tougher than bear grylls is CRAAAZY! and i know i'm friends with a few of you. but seriously... survivorman?!

burton and i have been discovery channel fans for awhile now. we love ourselves some mythbusters (though, deadliest catch, how its made, and dirty jobs need to beat it), and we're big fans of man vs. wild. we've been faithful fans, even through the admission that his camera crew aren't just silent observers all the time, and that he has stayed in hotels mid-episode when supposedly he's roughing it in the jungle. but even with that all out in the open now and the overall format of the show changing to be more openly inclusive of assistance and human contact, i still think that bear grylls could DEFINITELY kick survivorman's trash!

having seen bear grylls drink the juice from elephant dung, stick his head in a dead zebra to get rotten meat that he proceeds to eat, cut the head off a rattle snake (and looking no more shaken than i do when i have to smack a cricket with my shoe), pee into the skin of said rattle snake as backup in case he finds himself dehydrated, drink said pee when he eventually does find himself dehydrated, catch a live skunk with a trap and then cut it's head off and cook/eat the meat which tasted like "someone's taken your steak and rubbed it in dog feces"... it's hard to compare it to survivorman's discovery of a berry bush. i mean sure, bear isn't winning popularity contests with the vegetarians of the world, and i can't say i don't prefer berries to skunk tail... but berries and sticks... for SEVEN days?

if you've ever watched survivorman, then you know that his mission is to leave nature the way he found it. which makes good sense if you're at scout camp or yogi bear's campground... but if you're in survival mode, i think there's room for an exception. he also holds true to the "if you find yourself lost, just stay put" philosophy. and while, again, that might make good sense... does it really make good television? watching this guy, spend an entire day sewing a sleeping pad out of dry grass in the arizona desert, only to discover at the end of the day that he's kinda hungry, but will look for food tomorrow... riveting, i tell you. anyway, burton and i can't help but laugh that the episode of "the office" where michael decides to go film his own survivorman show, and tries to make a lean-to out of his suit pants is so close to how the actual show really is it's hardly a mockery.

so that's it. i just had to publicly state my opinion that bear wins... that being said, can you imagine your husband coming home with elephant dung on his breath? mercy.

non-smoking, please

so... burton and i went out to dinner the other night to celebrate his completion of the GRE! and when we got there, there was a huge line (of course) and so we decided just to sit in the bar 'cause you don't have to wait, you just take a table.

so...

in utah, there's no smoking in restaurants, period. i think that's the same in a lot of places. but in virginia, apparently there is no such law yet. though it did seem to be confined to the bar section. ANYWAY, as much as it urkes to me that it's not totally and completely illegal to smoke next to me, i recognize that i chose to sit in that section and so there is something i can do to control the situation... but because of my lack of exposure to smoking in public places in recent years, i've had very little exposure to something else that surprisingly made me want to get up out of my chair and smack two full-grown adults... one of which could have easily beaten up burton (who is, of course, my bodyguard)... they were BOTH smoking, with their little girl sitting at the table with them. is it just me, or should they be locked away?!

i was SOOO close to saying something. i mean seriously... kill yourself. smoke away to your hearts content in the privacy of your own home. marry someone who smokes too and kill each other. i don't care. but bring a child into this world and into a home full of cigarette smoke and you might as well say "happy early birthday sally! a nice little present called lung cancer will be on its way in 40 years!"

i imagined that if i did actually say something that it would end up with a response something to the effect of "none of your effing business!" ... so that's the part that prevented me from speaking up. that and they were speaking icelandic or something. but i was surprisingly pissed off. i couldn't stop commenting to burton (in that "i'm a chicken, so i'll say it loud enough to make myself feel good but quiet enough that they probably won't hear me" voice) that i was sort of shocked how mad i was getting. fuming!

but i didn't say anything. we just finished our food and eventually left. sooo... would you have said something? am i being too judgemental for wanting to say something in the first place? have i just been in utah toooooo long? :)

a good cry

i'm sure it's been quite obvious that my blog has taken a backseat in my life the last month or so. i've written a few half hearted entries and contemplated many more, but this month has been strange. for someone who enjoys poking fun at herself and the world around her, it's tough to know what to say when there's so many emotions floating around that have nothing to do with laughter. and so... i decided to write how i'm really feeling. acknowledging that somewhere deep inside, i just need a good cry.

i've been pondering a lot this month. birth. death. babies. grandparents. miracles. faith. it's been one of those months where the list of people in my prayers has gotten longer by the day. and it's been hard to see how some prayers are answered with joy... and some are answered with an almost unthinkable saddness. there have been so many moments this month where i've known so clearly that the life of a friend or family member had just changed forever. at some moments, lives that meant so much to so many were teetering on the edge of slipping to the other side. and in some cases, those wonderful and amazing spirits have left us, leaving us to ponder our faith and testimony in what is to come. and in some cases, we've been blessed with miracles that keep these lovely spirits here, causing us to wonder in awe how it all happens.

i wish there was a way to truly describe how much i love the people in my life. mostly, i am in awe. i am in total awe of the faith that so many have. that a little baby can fight for life despite all the odds working against him. that a 93 year old woman can be so discouraged and ready to call it quits and then talk to her grandchildren and find the strength inside to keep on going. that a mother and a father can find such tremendous strength to endure an inevitable trial of losing their little girl who was never meant to stay. that a worldwide church -- 13 million strong and growing -- can find an almost unexpected joy in the departure of the prophet because they all have such faith that he served well and is reunited with his lovely wife, who he missed so dearly. that a ward is so willing to serve... even people they've never met.

it's sort of shocking to me to think back on the month and realize that i have cried over some of the most heartwrenching of circumstances... and then cried over my haircut. (don't get me wrong... love the haircut... but it was a little traumatic. silly girl moment.) and so... that's me. that's how i'm really feeling. sad. happy. frustrated. determined. overjoyed. heartbroken. loving my new hair. missing my old hair. melancholy. grateful. bored. chaotic. impatient. patient. thanks for sharing your lives with me. and letting me share mine with you. isn't it great we're all in this thing called life together?

and now... i'm going to go watch seinfeld, and get my funny bone back. it's time for laughing again.

decades of deliberation have come to this

we've all been asked this silly question... if you found a genie in a lamp and you could have three wishes, what would they be? (and of course the third one can't be more wishes... but we all wish it could be, don't we?) so, after much deliberation throughout my life, i think i've narrowed it down to three solid answers:

1. i never want to have to stop at a red light or stop sign or even yield to merging traffic ever again. i want all lights to be green when i get there, all stop signs to be for other people, all cars to yield to me. i want to be able to walk out the door, get in my car, turn it on and go. and not have to stop or slow down until i get where i'm going. the eternal green light.

2. i want a soundtrack for my life. i have always wanted that... perfect music to play at the perfect moment. and not just on my ipod... i mean a REAL soundtrack. like hugh grant wandering the streets of london after having his heart torn to pieces while hearing bill withers sing "ain't no sunshine when she's gone", or hearing wreckless eric take over singing "whole wide world" for will ferrell as maggie gyllenhaal suddenly kisses him on the couch. music just makes everything better. it makes the moment more moving, more passionate, more intense... so ya, i want a soundtrack.

3. i want that perfect pair of jeans to last forever. and my favorite shirts to never fall apart. and my favorite sweaters need to not do that weird fluff ball thing or stretch into weird shapes or shrink to the size of a babyGAP sweater... they need to stay looking exactly the way they did in the store. oh... and my favorite clothes need to always fit... no matter how much what i'm trying to stuff in them may have increased in size (is that kind of like sneaking in a 4th wish?)

so... if you found a genie in a lamp and you could have three wishes, what would they be? and no wishing for more wishes... geez.

a pimp and a... wha?

despite the fact that burton didn't intend to go as a "pimp" for halloween, but rather a "70s guy" (whatever that is), and we both thought our costumes were as far from a "couple costume" as you could get, as soon as we walked through the door to the halloween party and someone said "hey! it's a pimp and his witch!", we knew there was more we could have done with it.

this year, was like many before it -- we start to think about halloween months beforehand, and say things like "this year we should really do something cool. this year's going to be different because we're talking about it early." and then 2 days before the halloween party comes, we're scrambling around trying to think of something "cool" to do. we spent an evening driving around to various places, looking for the perfect costume. burton finally decided to just go as something he'd been before, but i only had pieces of old costumes, so i was out of luck.

we went to D.I. (secondhand store) and i just stood there amid the hundreds of painfully ugly shirts and started to pout. "i hate halloween. i hate trying to find a costume. i hate secondhand stores. i hate the smell of moth balls. i hate spending money on a stupid costume every single year that i will wear for one friggin' night, when i could buy a new shirt or a pair of shoes that i'll wear everyday." (ok... not EVERYday. gross.) finally, i said, "let's leave. i need to leave. i can't be here anymore." and we left (but not before burton made me try to slip a childrens winnie-the-pooh costume over my head... too bad it couldn't fit over my huge pouty lip).

we made our way to a halloween costume store. i hate to be a broken record and say the same thing i said last year... but seriously, what the crap is with halloween!? is it too much to ask for a costume that covers my butt cheeks? i'll spare you my soap box speech about how halloween has become a holiday to celebrate the glamorous livestyle of hookers, and how disappointing it is that WOMEN are perpetuating the problem, because THEY are the ones BUYING the freaking costumes. (ok... i'll at least spare you the long version of my speech). anyway, i found a witch costume tucked way at the back... it was classic, it covered my "parts", and it wasn't too expensive, so i decided that from now on, each october 31st... i'm gonna be a witch. (and apparently, one with an attitude problem).

just try to relax...

ok... i'm sorry to bring this up again... but it's making me laugh. and i do realize that there are males who read my blog... you should probably just stop reading this one right now.

i just keep thinking about how humorous the whole yearly OBGYN experience is. i mean, ya... it's not actually humorous... it's more like... totally lame. but if you think about some of the things that are said or that you think during your OBGYN experience, it's pretty freaking funny.

like, for example, when you're taken in to the examination room, and they hand you two things: a sheet for your legs (which is actually an oversized papertowel) and a half gown for your top (which is also an oversized papertowel... with arm holes in it). and they say to you "you can put this top on either direction, it's up to you if you want it to open at the front or the back". seems simple enough. not that funny... until i found myself staring at it like it was some big decision. "well, i don't know... which way covers me up the most?" well, let's see... neither! really, i might as well have left it all on the chair and sat there naked, because frankly what you would like to remain covered is in fact about to be exposed.

or how about the point at which they say to you "ok... try to relax." ... ummmm! what?! how the crap am i supposed to be anywhere even NEAR a state of relaxation with what feels like an entire fist inside my uterus pushing all my pieces around?! i have a hard enough time relaxing when i'm lying in my bed at night, with all my clothes on and my legs in a totally normal position. THIS situation does not warrant relaxation.... EVER. so don't try to convince me of it, doc.

or what about the friendly chit chat about where i'm from and what my husband is studying in school while he's nearing second base under my "paper gown". i promise you, we are both keenly aware that the only purpose of this conversation is to fill the awkward silence of the moment.

anyway... you get my point. it's kinda funny. in a "it's been about a week since my appointment, so i've finally shaken the feeling of total violation" kind of way.

so, what's the funniest thing you've ever heard (or overheard) or said at the doctor's office?

aftermath

for some reason, putting my thoughts about 9/11 into words has always been difficult for me. which is saying a lot, since i have that whole "can't shut up" issue. but it was all so overwhelming for me. it didn't affect me in the sense that i knew someone who died. i didn't even know someone who knew someone who died. but it affected me. i watched the news for days. i saw the same images over and over and over again. i cried. and i stared. and i cried more. i cried for the same reasons that i cried when i saw the images of people struggling to stay alive, desperately trying to find their family members, and walking through the rubble that was once their homes in the aftermath of hurricane katrina. for the same reasons i cried when i saw the images of people being washed away in the tsunami in thailand, and trekking from village to village looking for their loved ones on a wall of polaroids. and for the same reasons i cry when i see small children with guns slung over their shoulders, yelling and screaming and burning flags and spewing hatred at a world that has failed to love them.

my heart breaks.

it breaks for all the people who have died too soon. it breaks for all the family members left behind to grieve. it breaks for tragedies that can't be avoided and for those that could have been. it breaks for the people who have lost sight of true happiness in the lies of radical religion. for those who have lost children and siblings and parents to the evils of the world.

and the reality is that it doesn't matter where i was when i first heard about these tragedies. it doesn't matter who told me or what they said. what matters is that in the aftermath... in the worlds often overlooked and forgotten by the mainstream media, i saw people -- people of all walks of life -- come together to help each other in the face of adversity. this is what i try to remember.

bring it on anon!

i think there should be a way for people to just say whatever they want, to whom ever they want, whenever they want, and be as mean and rude and blunt as they want, without anyone ever knowing it was them who said it...

oh wait... there is. it's called "anonymous".

and i don't really think that. i HATE that as a matter of fact. i suppose that i understand the appeal of it. say what you want--maybe even something that really needs to be said--without any repercussions... but i think it's lame. and the reality is that i've rarely, if ever, had it happen to me... but it still urks me. i'm all about conflict... don't get me wrong. people should be able to say what they think. but if you don't have the guts to stamp your name on your thoughts, then it's probably worth rethinking... it's probably just a little too mean, just a little too narrow minded, just a little too heartless.

so... that's my ranting at 1:00 AM. mean people suck. and nice people who are mean because it's anonymous suck even more.

love JANAYA :)

(and for the record... i know some of my posts are mean... but they're funny... which makes it all ok...) :P

UPDATE: since it's morning, the sun is shining, it's a new day... i'm feeling like i should clarify. i do think "anonymous" is useful for an embarrasing comment and have no problems with that. in case it wasn't clear... my hatred is when it's used for evil purposes, like ripping on people! :) and just in case someone mistakes me for someone who is not sarcastic... i do not think being funny obsolves me of the responsibility to be nice. i'm just not very good at it.

lindsay lohan for president!

despite how lazy i've become about getting ready for my day... and walking no more than the 10 to 15 steps between the couch, the bathroom and my bedroom every day... i actually don't usually watch tv during the day. but this morning, i turned on the tube for a little "good morning america" which led to a little "regis and kelly" which led to a little "martha stewart" which then led to the "presidential news conference". now, i am actually working while these are going on in the background... just not to optimum efficiency.

anyway, i NEVER watch "martha stewart" because frankly she drives me crazy and i'm not crafty (at all), but this morning i happened to see a quick commercial promoting none other than lindsay lohan as her guest. i thought, "hmm, an ex-convict interviewing a strung out movie star who's had some experience with the LAPD herself... this should be interesting". so i watched. and about half way through the baking of cream puffs, i realized i was starting to like lindsay lohan. not because she was classy or well put together or putting on a good face, but because she was pretty dang real about herself. she was honest about things, she was funny, she was cute, (let's be honest... she's hot), and she was really not defensive in the least. and i started to feel guilty. was i actually thinking that this girl i've seen so much trash about on the news is a nice girl?! yes. i will admit it. yes. i like her. (i still hate martha stewart, for the record). lindsay's not winning any awards in my books for making good decisions, but she seemed pretty willing to admit her mistakes.

which is more than i can say for mr. president.

now, i'm not a bush-basher (though i have been known to poke fun at the man). i'm not a bush-fan either. i'm a canadian living in the united states with a greencard... so i'm CAREFUL! :) but frankly, i just can't listen to him talk. i think he's got a really tough job... one i would never want. and i don't have a definite opinion about a whole lot of issues out there... but i do know that he is just not someone i enjoy listening to. and the more he talks, the less i like him. and today i suddenly realized the irony of the situation. i was feeling endeared to lindsay lohan, actually LIKING her and thinking she was really sincere... and i thought the president sounded and looked like an idiot. (crap... immigration is going to have a hay-day with this one).

so, what does it say about me? ... that i don't care if people make mistakes as long as they're willing to admit it... and that i think lindsay lohan should be president.

geez woman... come on... get a blog!

i have decided that there are two possible reactions to the world once you start "blogging"... you either: (a) talk to fewer strangers because you're getting all the random crap out of your head online, or (b) talk to more strangers because you suddenly feel like you have free reign to say whatever you want, whenever you want, to whomever you want. and then there's me... not only do i fall into category "a" but i have gone one step further, and i no longer want strangers to talk to ME about the random crap in their heads. i used to be so patient... but now...

(random side-note to illustrate the point i am about to make:) you know how when you're somewhere in public and people are getting a little too friendly for you to feel comfortable? let's take me, sitting in church up in island park, idaho this past easter sunday... sitting two rows behind a couple who could not stop staring longingly into each others eyes, or caressing each others cheeks, or kissing periodically. first of all, if i ever dated someone who caressed my cheek, i think i would have puked right then and there and said "i'm sorry... this just isn't going to work". but my point here is, that there is a natural human instinct to say "people... come on... get a room!" so... this brings me to my point about random strangers talking about random crap...

so, yesterday i'm standing in line at the grocery store behind a VERY pregnant woman and her older mother. this was no eavesdropping scenario like previously mentioned, this was one of those situations where you want a mute button, but unfortunately for you, there just isn't one for this game called "life". i'm sure all the innocent little cashier asked was something like "so when are you due?", and then proceeded to be land-blasted with way more detail about this woman's life than ever necessary. i came into the conversation right about "well... my husband and i want to name her courtney, but our 3 year old little boy is dead set on samantha, and he wants to call her sammy for short, but we just don't know about that. we had a little foster girl named samantha and our little boy was just so attached to her, and she will just always be the samantha in my life to me, but our little boy just won't have it, so we bought him a cat and called it sammy in hopes of changing his mind about the name and that worked for about two days and then he wanted nothing to do with it..." HOLY CRAP!... and these were the exact words that went through my mind "geez woman!... come on... get a blog!"

so this is what i've come to... i am now wanting the world to allow me the choice about whether to know what craziness is going on their heads. and i would like that choice to be controlled by blogspot please. thank you.

what do i know about life, really?

"don't suffer a calamity before it happens"... my good friend's father said this. he was dying of cancer and didn't want people mourning while he was still on this earth. she told me that something like 12 years ago now, and i still think about it any time something really bad MIGHT happen. 'cause i'm one of those people who thinks about every possible thing that might go wrong... in fact, that's part of what i get paid to do at work. but in life, i've come to realize (after many lessons learned) that it's not the best way to go through life. i'm only 27... so what do i know about life really, but for now... this is what i think.

i think when the possibility exists that something really bad might happen, don't hang your hat on that. plan for the best case scenario (with the worst case scenario in mind, so you at least have a backup plan... you can have faith and still be prepared). call it faith, call it hope, call it stupidity, call it whatever you want... but i promise you that things will be much easier to deal with in life if you assume that the thing you want will happen. and when it doesn't, you deal with it and take the new door that opens. because a new door always opens if you're looking for it. and when the thing you want DOES happen, thank someone. be grateful. recognize the little miracles in your life when they happen. whether it's a miracle you wanted, or the miracle you got.

"b-list has-beens" trying to make a comeback

i've been working on some pretty funny stuff for work the past couple of days, and had to do some research on "b-list has-been's" trying to make a comeback. thought I'd share the findings for your enjoyment (along with some of my own thoughts on the discoveries):

mc hammer has a blog... like a real blog... like i have a blog talking about random crap and so does he, pictures and everything. best part is he has a new album coming out in 2007... can't wait:

vanilla ice thinks he’s pretty cool. he's got some gig coming up and he's all signed up for this season of the "surreal life" again. he pretty much thinks he's still amazing. ice ice baby!

dustin diamond a.k.a screech (Saved by the Bell) is trying to get the world to help him save his house from foreclosure (pardon the language on his site... this was just for research... but seriously, who knew screech was such a potty mouth?!)

not that david hasselhoff a.k.a. THE HOFF ever actually fell off the radar :) but he is a bizarre mix of taking himself seriously and being a complete lunatic. he has a major cult following and his insane videos on YouTube are incredibly viral (this was the part i was researching... random stuff these people are doing to get attention and build a following again). anyway, the Hoff's official site is pretty amazing to behold.

and here’s the stuff that spreads through the internet like wildfire… “Jump in My Car” (the hoff's latest video).

and THIS is the greatest thing you’ll ever see in your whole life! (the hoff video that really got me hooked on this baywatch babe again)

and don't forget about skid row. these guys are trying to ride the 80’s revival train right now. not sure how much success they’re having, but they likely have a pretty solid fan base of 30-somethings who are stoked that they have a new album and a tour schedule... sweet!

then… there’s jordan knight… what more do I need to say than his idea of a comeback tour is appearing LIVE with deborah gibson (she’s apparently too old for "debbie" now)… and check out the first line of his bio: “Maybe the idea of Jordan Knight singing love songs seems like old news – after all, his voice has adorned some of the most romantic material on record, whether on the classic hits of New Kids on the Block or on the solo CDs that has established him as a star in his own right.” Umm… ya. Last time I checked, NKOTB was pretty much the worst band ever (despite the fact that I had my walls plastered with posters of them)… and honestly, does anyone recall any of jordan knights music (NKOTB included) being anywhere near the most romantic material on record? oh i'm sorry... a better question would be does anyone remember jordan knights music? ok, i'm done. anyway, check out his site; he takes himself WAY too seriously. i love that!

and deborah gibson… some people just need to leave what’s been done in the past... in the past, but no… she’s back, ready to sign her old posters for you and all!

anyway, perhaps not everyone enjoys poking fun at these people who are grasping desperately for a piece of what used to be. but i can't help it.

halloween is for kids... and lingerie models

what the crap is with halloween? first of all, i've never liked the holiday in the first place. it always seemed like some kid was getting his hand blown off by a firecracker, or someone was getting egged as they trick-or-treat... whatever the circumstance, someone was almost always either going to get hurt or get in trouble. and then there's the costume. THIS is the main reason i hate this holiday. i swear i've been a hippie or an angel or a fairy of some sort at least 20 out of the 27 halloween's i've been on this earth. i have no imagination when it comes to the costume. no desire to spend tons of money or time creating the perfect costume. and now... NOW... what in the world has happened to women's costumes?! halloween has literally turned into a really good excuse for all those women out there who have aspirations of becoming a hooker someday, to practice out there in the real world for a night all dressed up like one. forgive me for not wanting to strap on some thigh high nylons and patent leather go-go boots and try to explain to everyone how little bo-peep was really a high-class prostitute. :) so instead of succumbing to the pressure of baring all for an evening, i've been eyeing my fly fishing gear... how lame can i get? a fisherman? or i could add some make-up to the equation and be a dead fisherman or a fisher-ghost. wow. halloween is awesome. and now that i've hurdled over the age 25 milestone, and junkfood goes straight to my butt, eating all the candy i want isn't an option... which is basically the only good part about halloween. and of course, seeing all the little toddlers dressed up like ducks and monkeys and chickens and stuff. so cute. anyway, happy halloween. blah blah.

alone time

so, here's the rule: when your husband goes away hunting for the weekend and you stay home, this is what you do...

the moment you drop him off, go to macy's and spend $90 at the Clinique counter, then go through the burger king drive-through and "make it a LARGE please", then be sure to go to the video store and rent three chic flicks you know you'll never get to watch any other way, and on your way home make sure you drop by the grocery store and buy a tub of "Moose Tracks" ice-cream... small enough that there's no chance of any evidence still being around when he gets home, and don't forget to buy an extra SKOR bar just in case there's not enough of it in the actual ice-cream. And of course, when you get home, dead bolt the door behind you so no creepy men can get into your apartment while your eyes are closed as you wash your face (i'm sure it happens all the time). Then... be sure to schedule a day at the spa doing your nails and toes and face and whatever else sounds really fun to do with an old college roommate and then make reservations for the two of you to go eat lunch at CPK so you can sit around and talk about totally meaningless, random things that you would only talk about with your closest friends. and then settle in for an evening curled up on the couch with your ice-cream and movies. and be sure to eat the ice-cream straight from the tub... that's very important. this is not one of those "feel sorry for yourself because you don't have a boyfriend and you don't have a date on a friday night" kind of moments you have when you're single... this is the epitome of alone time.

don't get me wrong, i miss burton... i always do when he's gone... even when he's just gone for school. but there's nothing wrong with enjoying your own company. and your ice-cream.