“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” - Unknown

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

infertility bites

it's a delicate balance between divulging too much and explaining too little. in my personal interactions, i tend to fall hard on the side of divulging too much. i'm an open book, as they say. i generally lack what some might call a "filter". but when it comes to my blog, i tend to keep things pretty private. sure, i'll tell you all about my escapades back in the day... kissing a boy(s), cheating on a test(s), stealing a fruit roll-up (that only happened once). but it's pretty rare that i share a really solid insight into what's going on with me. mostly because i don't know who is currently reading or may some day read my blog and despite my general lack of filtering, i like to control who i open the flood gates with. ANYway... screw it. here's what's up...

so, we've been trying to get pregnant. for a little over three years now. for most of those three years, we've taken people's advice about just letting things happen. but after three years of things not happening, no matter how much "letting" we did, we started seeking answers. i'm not going to go into the specifics of those answers (hey! look at me filtering! i'm so proud of myself), but i will tell you that after way too many way too invasive tests on both of us, we know the problem. and it's not that we're too stressed. it's not that i'm not ovulating. and no amount of elevating my hips is going to resolve it. (oh... there i go not filtering again...)

as it stands, there's still a chance (not a great chance... but a chance) that with some medical intervention the issue could be fixed. but that will take more time. and more waiting to know if it worked. possibly another year. and while some might say "just adopt"... we're not there yet. so don't say it.

and so this is where all the reasons i haven't been blogging come. mostly, i really just don't know what to say. i have so many moments where i feel so sorry for myself and it's hard and all i want to do is cry or curl up on the couch with a good movie and a hot chocolate and think about something else. but then i have moments where my faith is strengthened, and i know it will all be ok. that it's all happening for a reason... i truly believe that. that there are things i'm learning right this very second that i wouldn't learn any other way. and years from now, when i have screaming children and diapers to change and neverending laundry to do... i'll look back to this time in my life, and i hope that i won't feel like i wasted it waiting for the future to come. i wish i could say that i'm not doing that right now. but it's a battle. really. a battle between doubt and faith. discouragement and motivation. tears and smiles.

so, that's that. we wait. we try to make our life fulfilling while we anticipate what we hope will come. however it comes. whenever it comes. and we pray. as i know you are. and we love you for it. thanks.

Labels: ,

16 Comments:

Blogger Suman Family said...

ugh! i'm so sorry! keep having faith. we all can't wait to one day meet a little janaya/burton baby. let's hope the dr's can do their part successfully. love ya!

November 12, 2008 11:13 AM

 
Blogger Jackie said...

You two are champs. I'm so impressed with your strength despite crappy situations.

We'll keep praying for you!

November 12, 2008 11:31 AM

 
Blogger whitney said...

i love you guys. that's it. :)

November 12, 2008 12:03 PM

 
Blogger Mrs. Dub said...

aw, crap!

infertility is a (word rhymes with witch), but it sounds like you have the best attitude possible in such an uncontrollable situation.

just listen to your heart. do whatever seems right for your family, no matter what others or common sense says.

in the meantime, have as much hot chocolate as you want. you deserve it.

November 12, 2008 12:10 PM

 
Blogger Coral said...

My dear cousin,
Sounds like your trying to make lemonade out of lemons. I'm sure that you have heard just about all the "advise" that you could every want to on the subject, but I thought I'd throw in my two-bits. My husband is a Chiropractor/Acupuncturist and there are some really good results with infertility and Acupuncture. Not sure if you've already looked at that route or not, but hey maybe it's worth checking it out. I hope and pray for you and Burton that things will work out. All my love, Coral

November 12, 2008 2:05 PM

 
Blogger Azúcar said...

We were married six years before we had our first. It was three years of trying.

After a miscarriage, we were given some medical options, but I felt really uncomfortable with pursuing those. I actually prayed and set a deadline. If by six months or a year nothing had happened, we'd revist the medical options a little more seriously. After all, those options are there, in my view, by divine providence to help those of us who need a little help.

Happily, it just happened. However, I know that if it were required of us to go the medical step, we would have.

The most frustrating thing is that you're not on your timetable, you're on someone else's. I look back now on our time of infertility and I am THANKFUL. It made us stronger, it made me a better person, it was the refiner's fire.

I'm not going to tell you that x,y,z will happen. I'm just here to let you know that it IS hard, but it's also a time to learn so much about yourself and your spouse.

If it's any consolation, our second baby came much faster.

My heart goes out to you, this is a hard road, but worth it.

November 12, 2008 2:21 PM

 
Blogger diana banana said...

you're awesome

November 12, 2008 3:12 PM

 
Blogger Forscutt Family said...

Chin up small person! You're so awesome!

November 12, 2008 4:43 PM

 
Blogger Becki Becki Bo Becki said...

Infertility totally bites! And for some, fertility is even tough.

It's amazing how we're given trials and experiences that are perfect for us. They don't seem perfect; they suck. But, like you said, they help you learn and grow. And, like you said, you try to enjoy whatever place in life you're in.

I'm reminded of a cjane post from way-back where she talked about how she had a friend + kids over and cjane longed for motherhood (I'm butchering it). The friend talked about longing for a break. They told each other to "live it up" and cjane went and aimlessly wandered Target.

Live it up, I say.

There are so many ways and means of being a mother (and I know this sucks to hear when all you want is to be one NOW) but you are so many other things. You may very likely get the chance to be a mother someday, but today--and always--you will be such an amazing friend & confidant, intelligent person, funny gal, and wise woman.

Love you, J.

November 12, 2008 7:54 PM

 
Blogger Shamaine said...

I want to leave a comment, but not sure what to say. I’m never good with words…hence the reason Dave is always asking you what to say in an email. :) But I gotta tell you, your post really did make me cry. I can’t say I know how you feel, because I don’t. But knowing the emotional battle trying to get pregnant, it is really hard. But no matter how long it takes, 2 years or 5, it’s still really hard. And I know how it can be hearing about others who are pregnant…you want to be happy for them but at the same time it’s really hard. It was really hard hearing about friends getting pregnant with their first and then their second. I also know what you mean by tests being done. I’m not sure if you had more than I did. But there was one I would never want to go through again.

I know we don’t really talk a whole lot, except when we get together for family things. And I’m sure you have a lot of people you already talk too, but if you ever need someone else to talk to you can always call me (or email). I may not be good at advice or suggestions, but I can be a good listener. I’m sorry things are hard right now. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do?

November 12, 2008 10:41 PM

 
Blogger Jared and Jessica said...

i'm sorry things are hard right now, but like so many have already said, you are a person of great faith. i know heavenly father is well aware of you two and hears the prayers in your behalf. let us know if you guys are going to be in kaysville over the holidays! we'd love to see you guys!

November 12, 2008 11:59 PM

 
Blogger Ann said...

I know what you're going through. I hope that you have the support of a few close friends who've been through this- if not, I'm volunteering. It's amazing how much better you feel being with or talking to someone who doesn't have to say anything, you just know.

November 13, 2008 7:47 AM

 
Blogger Lizzie said...

I know it's a little random for me to be commenting on this because i haven't seen you or talked to you in forever. And i feel a little lame, because it's hard to describe what i feel for you (because it's not like i've been there; i think without birth control i'd have the opposite problem). So it's not empathy, it's just...i so much want you to have what you're trying so hard for, and it's a painful thought, that you want something so good and righteous and joy-giving and it's not in your power right now to make it happen, when for some people it's so easy. I really, really hope your difficulties end, and you're able to have as many babies as you want--a veritable plethora of babies, in fact. :) But even if they don't, i'm glad you know God cares for you and has His purposes, because He does, and He does. And, just as an fyi, you're awesome.

November 13, 2008 12:46 PM

 
Blogger Heather Thompson said...

I had no idea you guys have been trying for so long! I feel so bad. I don't even know what to say but I am so sorry, that has got to be harder than I can imagine. I will keep you in our prayers and hopefully soon it will work out. You guys will be the cutest best parents when it does! Hang in there. I have missed your blog posts, you are such a good writer! Tell Burton Hi from us too.
Heather

November 14, 2008 11:17 AM

 
Blogger sherry ward said...

I know where you're coming from on this one (well, to an extent I guess you could say). We got married I think about a month before you and never prevented anything from the beginning. We're still not sure what's wrong cuz the dr's think everything is "normal," but clearly it is not. It's been really REALLY hard and living in Utah doesn't help when every where I turn, SOMEONE is pregnant. It use to get me down A LOT, but now I am just trying to make the best of it. I keep telling myself there HAS to be a reason to all this. Everyone says "It'll happen when it's suppose too." Meanwhile I'm fighting the urge to pop them a good one. This doesn't make it easier or the pain to go away eh?! I do wish you both the best of luck. My heart really does go out ta ya though.

November 19, 2008 8:27 PM

 
Blogger Jen said...

thanks for sharing... and unfiltering what's going on, because you all know we've been wondering how all that was going. I could say all of the cliche things here, but you've heard them all before. So, I'll just tell you that one more person is praying for you and knows you will be blessed when the time is right. I've seen it all TOO MANY times with people that are really close to me, things just seem to happen. But it's good you're helping them happen a little more now.

And if it helps, when I was reading this post, I started craving a pickle. I think it's suppose to be your crazy pregnancy craving pickle someday.

November 25, 2008 12:20 PM

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home