a good cry

i'm sure it's been quite obvious that my blog has taken a backseat in my life the last month or so. i've written a few half hearted entries and contemplated many more, but this month has been strange. for someone who enjoys poking fun at herself and the world around her, it's tough to know what to say when there's so many emotions floating around that have nothing to do with laughter. and so... i decided to write how i'm really feeling. acknowledging that somewhere deep inside, i just need a good cry.

i've been pondering a lot this month. birth. death. babies. grandparents. miracles. faith. it's been one of those months where the list of people in my prayers has gotten longer by the day. and it's been hard to see how some prayers are answered with joy... and some are answered with an almost unthinkable saddness. there have been so many moments this month where i've known so clearly that the life of a friend or family member had just changed forever. at some moments, lives that meant so much to so many were teetering on the edge of slipping to the other side. and in some cases, those wonderful and amazing spirits have left us, leaving us to ponder our faith and testimony in what is to come. and in some cases, we've been blessed with miracles that keep these lovely spirits here, causing us to wonder in awe how it all happens.

i wish there was a way to truly describe how much i love the people in my life. mostly, i am in awe. i am in total awe of the faith that so many have. that a little baby can fight for life despite all the odds working against him. that a 93 year old woman can be so discouraged and ready to call it quits and then talk to her grandchildren and find the strength inside to keep on going. that a mother and a father can find such tremendous strength to endure an inevitable trial of losing their little girl who was never meant to stay. that a worldwide church -- 13 million strong and growing -- can find an almost unexpected joy in the departure of the prophet because they all have such faith that he served well and is reunited with his lovely wife, who he missed so dearly. that a ward is so willing to serve... even people they've never met.

it's sort of shocking to me to think back on the month and realize that i have cried over some of the most heartwrenching of circumstances... and then cried over my haircut. (don't get me wrong... love the haircut... but it was a little traumatic. silly girl moment.) and so... that's me. that's how i'm really feeling. sad. happy. frustrated. determined. overjoyed. heartbroken. loving my new hair. missing my old hair. melancholy. grateful. bored. chaotic. impatient. patient. thanks for sharing your lives with me. and letting me share mine with you. isn't it great we're all in this thing called life together?

and now... i'm going to go watch seinfeld, and get my funny bone back. it's time for laughing again.